Paresh’s Blog

so i was just reading the news and there’s a story on cnn.com about the FBI urging police to look out for people carrying almanacs. the lead paragraph of the story:

“The FBI is warning police nationwide to be alert for people carrying almanacs, cautioning that the popular reference books covering everything from abbreviations to weather trends could be used for terrorist planning.”

so wait, i’m brown and i keep a map in my car. does that suddenly makes me suspicious? if they are worried about almanacs, i bet owning an encyclopedia gets you the death penalty. granted, the FBI did acknowledge that ownership and use of almanacs could be completely innocent but may be an indication of possible terrorist planning when combined with things such as surveillance. i dunno, i’d be a little more worried about the thing they are watching and the fact that they are watching it than the book they used to find it. let’s be serious, its not like almanacs and maps are the only source of information for terrorists. should the police be as concerned about a history book which has pictures of US landmarks as they are about an almanac? i understand their concern, but why be so limited in their scope? if they want to warn about almanacs, they might as well issue warnings about any book, magazine, video, tape, etc. that mentions anything about america.

but the real kicker is that under the patriot act, the person can be arrested and imprisoned indefinitely without ever seeing a lawyer, hearing the charges against them or even providing evidence of their innocence. basically, its a catch-22 situation. if you look suspicious and have a map or almanac with you, you’ll probably be arrested as a suspected terrorist and even though the ownership of the almanac may be completely innocent, you’ll never be allowed to prove it. good job john ashcroft. good to see you really thought this all through.

sO foR THe FirST TimE in A lOnG TiMe, i wAs lOoKiNG ArOuND frIEndsTer And i fOunD So MAnY PeOplE wItH tHEiR iNfo FilLeD ouT LIke ThiS. mAN, It bUGs The hELl oUt oF Me. iT kIndA mAkeS mE FeEl DySleXIc wHeN I rEAd iT AnD iTs eVeN wORsE tRYiNg To tYPe It.

its one of the few things that drives me crazy–and not in that sabrina-the-teenage-witch-serving-drinks-and-trying-to-be-a-dj kinda way (you should be proud of yourself if you recognize that reference. well, proud at first…then very, very ashamed…much like i am for even making that reference). i understand that its not meant to be read differently but everytime i read it i feel like i’m watching police academy and bobcat goldthwait is talking (he’s the weird talking punkrocker criminal turned police officer).

oh, and before i forget, the latest from judge larry joe doherty: “if if’s and but’s were candy and nuts, it’d be christmas all year round.” anyone else see the irony of him criticizing if’s through the use of an if?

so i watched texas justice again this morning. i’m sure you’ve all heard of it. its one of those shows where people bring in their small claims cases to be decided on tv by people who were supposedly once fairly good judges but sold out and became rent-a-judges on tv. today was probably only the fourth or fifth time i’ve seen this show. i’m usually never home at 11am and even if i am, i avoid texas justice out of basic policy. plus its not entirely true to its name, the show does not end in an execution (the standard meaning of the words texas justice). the honorable larry joe doherty is your typical tv judge in that he’s makes snap decisions, likes to lecture people and insult them at the same time (of course he does this with a thick texas drawl). he walks into the courtroom, gives a howdy to william the bailiff, hangs his stetson hat on a hook and gets into the cases.

now, i know this all sounds like fairly typical tv court shows (except with just a hint of texas flair thrown in), and you’re right. however, the only redeeming aspect of this show is judge larry joe’s personal library of little sayings. the first one i heard from him a few months back was while he was lecturing a guy about the importance of signing a contract. he said “sir, if you come to court without a signed contract, you’re pretty much up an unsanitary tributary without any means of manual propulsion–if ya know what i mean.” [in english: up shit creek without a paddle] the guy just looked back at judge larry joe and you could tell he had no idea what he meant.

so today, he throws out: “Well if a frog had wings, he wouldn’t bump his rump when he jumps–if ya know what i mean” damn judge larry joe, i like to think i’m pretty good at picking up what people mean, but i got no clue what the hell you’re talking about.

“People always come into court what if’n. If you kick the lid off the yuck bucket, you’ll be here all day.” again, no idea.

i think i’m gonna have to start watching this show to hear more of these gems.

my hindu-ness not withstanding, MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!! hope everyone has a wonderful day with tons of cool stuff. my xmas has already started off rather interestingly. i was at a friend’s place till about 1:30am and when i got home, there was an extra car parked in my driveway. my dad’s van was in the garage, my sister’s car was in the driveway and there was another car blocking my path into the garage. so i parked right behind the car and walked up to the driver’s side only to find someone asleep in the driver’s seat. i knock on the window and ask the guy what he’s doing in my driveway. he says that he and his wife were there for midnight mass but he ducked out early b/c he was sleepy. i politely asked him to get out my driveway and to not park there again. so i moved my car and he left.

having lived across the street from a rather large church my whole life, i’m used to the impossible saturday nights and sundays, i’m used to people parking illegally on corners and blocking parts of my driveway, but this was a first. parking in someone’s driveway was a ballsy move and the odds were in his favor that normally no one in my house would have noticed at that time of night. unfortunately the odds were against him tonight. hopefully it won’t happen again, but if it does, i may just start renting out the space. after all, its all about location, location, location.

and finally, for no reason whatsoever, in the famous words of will ferrell as dale mcgrew: “I’m sorry you had to see my asscheeks, and my nuggetpouch, and my bulge. I guess what it all comes down to is that the angle of my dangle is inversely proportional to the heat of my meat.” HAHAHA, i looked everywhere for a picture of will ferrell to accompany this but i came up dry. i’ll keep looking but in the mean time just imagine will ferrell as a guy in an office that shows his patrotism by wearing nothing but a USA half shirt and flag print underwear. oh, its too funny.

just a few random thoughts after this weekend:
1. on the off chance i ever need to raise an army, it will for damn sure be a ghost army. no if’s, and’s or but’s about it, ghost army is definitely the way to go. i may keep a few cockeyed, smartass dwarves on the side just in case, but definitely no elves, they show off too much.
2. the stupid one liners in terminator 3 were, unfortunately, the best part of that movie. x-men 2 was surprisingly good though. i can’t wait for x-men 3 to come out.
3. where is all this rain we were supposed to be getting? i’m getting tired of hearing about storms that never really materialize. granted, friday was kinda soggy but it wasn’t the horrible downpour that i was lead to expect. saturday had the one jolt around 9:30pm, but that was about it. stupid weatherpersons.
4. i feel like buying a new suit. not that i really need one right this minute, but it would give me a reason to shoot the breeze with franco uomo at napoli at newpark. that guy is a trip. he speaks five languages (english, italian, arabic, french and hindi). the funny part is that he automatically assumed i speak hindi when i went there over the summer so he started asking me what my favorite indian movies were and then he started quoting hindi song lyrics to me. it was hilarious…well, up until he tried to sell me a $125 belt.
5. i just came across this: http://www.rootbeerworld.com/ i love root beer and this site has more than i ever really needed to know about it. PLUS, there is a whole section of the site devoted to the best places online to get information about your personal finances. i’m not sure what that has to do with root beer but i thought it was pretty funny all the same.

that’s it for now. i thought i had a few other things, but i forget. oh well.